You know, I describe myself as fundamentally honest. I don’t lie very often. It takes too much energy and mental bandwidth. I’ve known that about myself for a while. It’s not necessarily a positive thing. We lie all the time. Conceal our struggles from each other and even ourselves. (“Hi, how are you?” “Oh I’m fine.”)
But there’s more to my honesty than that. I figured out recently, I often lack the ability to subdivide my experience. To say and act things I don’t mean. I can choose to say what I’m thinking or not, but. That’s as far as it goes. I have a one-track mind in conversations.
I learned, not that long ago, that most people have a very different, more expansive set of options. Here’s a example.
Chicki here has six different options. Six! Most days I have one. Maybe 2 if it’s a good day. No wonder I’m quiet so much.
I’ve been talking with a friend recently about sex and roleplay in sex, and like… he’s into people being mean to him. Only in fun, and consensually, as is healthy, but. I thought about it and I actually have a mental block to saying belittling things or acting like I mean them.
I rarely insult people or make fun of them in large part because I’ll mean it if I say it, and the world is usually better if you keep unkind thoughts like that to yourself. People can absolutely act dumb and mean and frustratingly, but everyone is fighting their demons and you really never know what someone is going through when they cut you off in traffic or say something kinda rude.
The worst part of all this is not the limitation, but that some days, like once a month, I can get like 3 options and the ability to select one or spin one to a better version if I judge it would help the situation.
But not usually. And I still remember what it was like and how positively people responded. How good it felt to competently manage my side of a conversation. Just think how much easier I’d get along with people if I could do that all the time!
But no; once a month. A glimpse at what I’ve wanted for decades, but can’t have most times. Disability is so fucking frustrating.
realisticautistic 