This post will not relate to autism specifically, other than that I’m aware of at least two individuals on the spectrum who are also transgender. Autism is a single facet of a person, and while an important one, not necessarily even their most defining feature. Especially as they age. So without further ado…
There’s a lot of misinformation about what exactly transgender people are. In my quest to understand and support other minorities, I’ve encountered everything from disbelief (“you’re kidding, right?”) to revulsion (“those people get surgery? Disgusting!”) to cruelly served ignorance (“yeah, so when I go hunting deer, I’m going to bag an extra buck and tell the park service it wanted to be female. After all, society buys it for people!”). Having seen a woman start and complete her transition, and having gone to learn a little more about being an ally the this minority, I’d like to present my findings in a nice, readable format so hopefully we can all understand a bit better. I’m going to do my best to be accurate and helpful, but if I drop the ball anywhere, please let me know in the comments and I’ll try to adjust this explanation to be more helpful.
What is “Transgender”?
Let’s pull the word apart: trans-gender. The latter word, gender, specifically refers to whether you feel male or female (or both, or neither- we’ll get to that in a bit). Gender is how our culture views men and women. For examples from US culture: women are stereotypically dresses, clothes, makeup, jewelry, fashion, emotions, chitchat, sharing, etc. Men are stereotypically sports, hunting, handymen, tough, muscular, logical, individualistic, less talkative, etc. (Please note, I am not personally agreeing with or supporting these stereotypes. I do need to state them so you understand, though.) Gender is often confused with sex, which is what your biology assigned you. In 97% of cases, either male or female. (The remainder fall into a category of people called intersex who actually have traits of both at birth.)
Okay, so first thing: gender is not sex. You can biologically have man parts, but feel like you’re a woman in the wrong body. That might be hard to visualize for some of you, but please give it your best. Keep in mind the societal stereotypes I mentioned above, and imagine you grew up always wanting to be part of the other gender’s side of things.
An Example of a Trans Person
The woman I watched transition (change from one gender to the other) had exactly that problem. She was born in a male body and grew up past age 35, knowing since she was 5 or so that she was female but having to pretend she was male. I don’t know her specific case, so I’ll make some stuff up for an example. She was born male. That means despite loving fashionable dresses, heels, makeup, skirts, blouses, handbags, and other classically feminine things, culture dictated she could not enjoy those things publicly. People, as it turns out, are not very understanding about a man wanting to be pretty and feminine. It’s just not a thing men do, unless they’re gay (another stigma entirely). Plus women have been considered the weaker sex, so a man wanting to be a woman would be a step down in the public judgement. (Again, please understand I do not even slightly agree with this, but it has to be stated for understanding.)
So she waited long years, and suffered inside. Imagine if your sex suddenly swapped to the other side, and no one remembered you’d been what you were before. You’d need a new wardrobe that you wouldn’t necessarily like. You’d be expected to enjoy a bunch of new hobbies that you have no taste for. There’s a whole new set of basic politenesses you have to learn. If you’re now a man, it’s urinal behavior, man code, outdoorsy things like fishing and hunting, how to tie a tie, how to fix basic problems with a toilet or a car, and a working knowledge of sports. If you’re now a woman, you need to learn how to apply layers of makeup properly, dress fashionably, walk in heels, deal with periods, etc. Got an idea of that? Awesome, now pretend you’re stuck like that for the rest of your natural life. Maybe you’re okay with that. If so, cool, good for you. But a lot of people aren’t. After years (or decades) or trying to pretend they are what they’re not, they suffer.
There’s a feeling of wrongness every time you put on and wear clothes that don’t match your identity. Every time someone calls you “he” and you know you’re a “she.” Public bathrooms are a trial; do you go to the bathroom that matches your sex, or your gender? You’re going to get looks no matter which one you choose. If you don’t dress in a manner that befits your sex, you’re also going to get looks. Every day. For the rest of your life. It’s hard on a person.
If that still doesn’t make sense to you, perhaps you’ve read about gay and lesbian teenagers, and how they suffer trying to decide whether to tell people their sexual orientations (“coming out of the closet”). It’s similar. Trying to pretend you’re something different than the truth exacts a toll on people, and the more aware they are of it, the more it hurts them.
Types of Trans People and the Fluidity of Gender
The example person I gave you above is a male-to-female transgender person. There are female-to-male transgender people, and also a few other types I’ll get to shortly.
You see, while sex is (usually) binary, which is to say you’re usually born male or female, gender does not have to be. Some people view it as a spectrum, with feeling feminine/female on one end and feeling masculine/male on the other.
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Such people often plot themselves somewhere along that spectrum, as having both masculine and feminine traits. This can be termed “genderqueer”, “bigender”, “pangender”, “genderfluid”, or a number of other things. In addition, there’s a group of people included under “transgender” that simply don’t feel like they’re on the gender spectrum at all, or they simply find those labels inadequate or useless (“agender”).
Confusing? A bit. Definitely not something on the cultural radar until recently. But very important. No one should have to live a lie.
What Does This Mean, and How Do People Deal With It?
Mainly it means you should be a human being to anyone who doesn’t seem quite “normal.” If there’s an otherwise normal-looking lady with 5 o’clock shadow (beard stubble) on her face, you should treat her like a person. Don’t stare. If there’s a man with an oddy feminine-looking face and body, same thing. There are people out there that kind of throw your sense of what’s masculine and what’s feminine. When in doubt, treat them like a person. Please understand, that’s a normal part of life, and there’s nothing wrong with it.
People deal with being transgender in a lot of different ways. When someone comes to the realization that their gender doesn’t match their body, they may change things about themselves in order to make things match. This is called “transitioning.” The most news-visible way to transition is to get surgery or hormone therapy, where you go under the knife multiple times or use hormones to get your body to match your mind. This is what most people think of when they think of trans people. STOP. While this is a legitimate thing that trans people do, they often don’t. Some trans people can’t afford the surgery, or prefer not to undergo it. Some people simply need their loved ones to acknowledge they aren’t their body parts. Some people change their wardrobe a little, as extensively as wearing only the other gender’s clothing or a simply as wearing boxers or panties under their clothes. It just depends on the person.
By the way, the incidence rate (as far as we know) of trans people is anywhere from .3% to 10% of the population. So you may already know someone who is transgender, or you may not know you already know someone who is transgender. It’s hard to get accurate data because people don’t necessarily advertise they’re trans.
Gender is not Sexual Orientation
If this wasn’t confusing enough, we have another spectrum to add to the one above: who you’re interested in, sexually and/or romantically. Transgender people are often lumped in with gay and lesbian people. And sometimes that’s appropriate, but sometimes it’s not, so I’m going to explain this very briefly. (It gets complicated at length, unfortunately.)
So we know from the fact that gay and lesbian people exist, that your sex does not decide who you find attractive. Gay men are attracted to other men. Lesbian ladies are attracted to other ladies. Heterosexual people like myself are attracted to the other sex and/or gender.
So trans people run the gamut of these categories, with the added bonus that they can cross those categories in their lifetimes. I was personally born female, and am attracted to men. But if I happened to be transgender man, I might consider myself gay. My body parts might be female, but my mind would be male, and my sexual orientation is towards men. So that would make me a gay man in a female body. (This is not the case, but it makes a fine example.)
So just to summarize: your gender does not affect your sexual orientation, or vice versa.
How Do I Treat Transpeople?
First off, like human beings. Always treat them like human beings. Because they are. For all their differences, they have thoughts and feelings and lives just like you.
That said, other than really little kids, people don’t go to the effort of being another gender because it’s fun. It’s about the opposite of fun, so if someone tells you they’re trans, please actually believe them.
1. Use their preferred pronouns. Usually you refer to a person by their physical sex pronouns. For me, “she” and “her.” For Chris, my fiancee, “he” and “him.” For trans people, if it’s not obvious, ask, and then make an effort to remember their preference. Usually it’s just as simple as using “he” or “she” or sometimes “they.” This is a small but important courtesy you can give the person, acknowledging them as who they are.
2. Don’t make assumptions about their sexual orientation. I covered this above, but a person’s gender has nothing to do with their sexual preferences.
3. If the person is clearly a sex that’s not their gender, but identifies with a name that matches their gender, don’t ask their previous name. So if we have a very tall, muscular person with 5 o’clock shadow and lipstick, who identifies herself as Nicole, do not ask what her name used to be, or if she used to be called “Cole” as a man. It’s rude.
4. Do not ask about a transgender person’s genitals, surgical status, sex life, etc. Those are inappropriate questions to ask anyone. Just because this person is different than you does not make it okay to be rude.
5. Don’t give backhanded compliments or “helpful” tips. Saying things like, “You look just like a real woman” or, “You’d pass so much better if you wore less/more makeup, had a better wig, etc,” are not only unhelpful, they’re insulting and hurtful. Just don’t.
My Bias / Point of View
I do have a bit of an ulterior motive in this educational entry, as it happens. Having watched my acquaintance transition from male to female, and gone to a seminar on how to be an ally, and tried to educate myself, I also learned something about myself.
As it turns out, I am trans. Specifically, I’m agender. I personally think the whole gender thing is annoying and wish it would leave me alone. This is perhaps more obvious to some people than others. I was born female. But I do not wear dresses (except when I have to). I do not enjoy makeup, or pretty clothes, or fashion, or any of that. I simply do not care. I respect people who enjoy culturally feminine things, regardless of which sex they were born as. But when it comes to me, I would just as soon people take their cultural expectations of me and toss them out the nearest window.
I thought about it pretty hard, and I don’t believe I’m a guy either. I enjoy things that are typically male, like video games. And my clothing is more stereotypically male than it is female. But I don’t have any particular sense that I should have a male body. (Well, except around period time, when I just hate existing because my guts hurt. That doesn’t count.)
I didn’t grow up with a sense of being in the wrong body, or incorrectness when addressed as “she.” My body parts gave me a cultural identity I didn’t appreciate, but since I was already autistic and too different to fit in, it didn’t matter so much that I didn’t fit into my gender either. I was fortunate that my parents didn’t give me much crap about it, but rather simply accepted that I was an unusual person and let me be myself. Also, as I was growing up, it was becoming societally okay for women to cross-dress. I wear blue jeans and a T-shirt, and no one gives me crap about it even though those are stereotypically men’s clothes. As such, this wasn’t really an issue on my radar until my acquaintance transitioned.
So there you have it. If you didn’t already know a transgender person prior to reading this, now you do. The most correct pronouns for me are “they” and “their,” but I don’t actually care that much, so if you forget or get confused, it doesn’t bother me if you use “she” and “her.”
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