RtR: Parents, Take Care of Yourself Too

Welcome back to Reading the Research! I trawl the Internet to find noteworthy research on autism and related subjects to share with you. Along the way I discuss the findings with bits from my own life, research, and observations.

Today’s article underscores, with data, what I typically tell parents of autistic people: Take care of yourself too!

I think most people can agree that raising a kid is difficult. Maybe there’s a few non-parents out there that wouldn’t agree, but personally, I have no doubts. Little humans are complex things, constantly changing and presenting new challenges. Raising a child may be fulfilling, but it’s also stressful.

You’re needing to manage yourself, hopefully as a good example for your kid. Then you also have to manage your kid and make sure they don’t accidentally hurt or kill themself in any number of creative ways. Finally there’s still your life, which includes work and relationships with friends and family. All at the same time. Being a parent is stressful. This is a true fact before you mix in neurological differences and medical conditions.

Adding Autism or Other Conditions

Once you start adding in those medical conditions and neurological differences, the pressure and isolation grows. Parenthood is a fairly open club, but when your baby cries basically all the time when they’re awake, the “shared experiences” feeling starts to drop off.

The frequent trips to the doctor, to specialists, even to the hospital, take their toll. Your own health and wellbeing fall by the wayside as you desperately try to meet the needs of your child with services, professionals, and whatever other tools are at hand. There’s financial strain, often. The most common form of martial discord is arguments about money. That puts additional stress on a parent who may already be struggling with managing appointments, doctors, therapies…

Basically, I’m saying that even if your kid doesn’t have the alphabet soup diagnoses with serious consequences, like cerebral palsy, serious heart defects, and genetic disorders), it’s a really tough life.

An Egotistical (but not really) Sign

At some point in my early teens, my mother had a little sign in the kitchen that read: “Mom’s happy, everyone’s happy.” As I recall, it came with a smiley face, and an admonishment to take care of yourself. At the time, I thought it was kind of egotistical. My dad, my brother, and I were all separate people with our own lives, concerns, and emotions. It seemed an absurdity to presume that one person being happy would sometime short-circuit everyone around them.

In retrospect, it was a pretty typical autistic black-and-white reading of the sentiment. I wasn’t wrong, mind you. Someone being happy near you isn’t going to snap you out of depression or solve a chronic health problem.

However, I wasn’t entirely right either. How people act around us can tip our moods up or down. If someone (coughmeusuallycough) is stressed and upset on a regular basis, it can tip a nearby person’s mood downward. Especially if they spend a lot of time with that person. Naturally, living with someone pretty much guarantees that situation. Over time, those effects can add up.

My mother suffered major depression for most of my childhood. While I couldn’t have told you exactly what was going on, I did know she wasn’t happy a lot. I had no knowledge of diagnoses, and only the faintest sense that things could have been different. But it affected me, too. I could sense when things were worse than usual. Her mood affected the overall mood of the house, and thus my mood.

Take Care of Yourself… Even if it’s Only for Your Kids

You are a better parent, friend, role model, teacher, and employee if you take time for yourself. Self-care is sometimes talked up to being extravagant. You can book a weekend at the spa, sure. Or a vacation somewhere without the kids.

But it doesn’t have to be expensive and lengthy. It can be five extra minutes on the toilet reading a magazine. Or 15 uninterrupted shower minutes while your spouse watches the kids. A cup of tea and a few minutes of journaling before your child is awake, or after you’ve dropped them off at school or therapy.

Taking care of yourself also means getting therapy for yourself, if it will help you. It means taking time for your marriage, friendships, and family outside childcare.

I recognize this isn’t an easy suggestion to take. Time is a scarce and precious resource for autism parents. But I promise you, your kid will be happier if you do.

(Pst! If you like seeing the latest autism-relevant research, visit my Twitter! There are links and comments on studies that were interesting, but didn’t get a whole Reading the Research article about them.)